oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
