at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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