I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
