What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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