I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
