Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The cops high fived after they tackled you
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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