i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
