I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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