Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize