My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
