I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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