tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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