broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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