I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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