I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
