I need to stop coming to work sober
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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