And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
