My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
