If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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