mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
