Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
