i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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