One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
