bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
