why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
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I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
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It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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