Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
