I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
