on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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