I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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