just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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