if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
