I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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