i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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