dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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