Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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