Who did Billy Mays play for?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
