I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
