FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
high people should be assigned attendants
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
