after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Are my feet made of real feet?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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