i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Everyone says I win the strip club
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
