you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
