but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I need a burrito and a hug.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
