matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Randomize
