i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
