I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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