This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
