and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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