I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
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My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
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WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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