WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
