Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
