Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
