first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner