Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
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I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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