i think my mom watched the whole time
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
