what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
40s are totally the cure
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
