He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I still have a little drunk in my system
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
