my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
