she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
